Need to vent!!!

I just need to vent and this is about the only place I have to do that. First off today has marked 18 months since I lost my little boy. Today 18 months ago my life changed forever. My baby boy was taken from me I didn't get the chance to tell him goodbye. I was the one that found him in his crib. I was the one that couldn't do CPR and try to save my son. I was the one that freaked out and couldn't do anything. I was also the one that was blessed for 14 months with Hayden. As time goes on their are not that many people that talk about him anymore. It is heartbreaking or when I am telling people about my children I always mention Hayden and tell them that he passed on. I want someone to ask what he was like or something. Not basically run away cause my child passed away. I didn't ask for my child to pass away. But it is something i have to deal with everyday of my life. The first thing I think about when I get up is Hayden and he is also the last thing I think about at night. I thank God every night for my babies and I really know how lucky I am to have them.
When we found out I was having Triplets it was really hard to get excited at first. The first thing's going through your head is how are going to afford three babies, how early are they going to be and several other things. Then as the time went on I got excited how many people can say that they carried triplets or that they have triplets. I also felt very blessed that God gave me these three babies and that he thought I was strong enough to handle them. I think every child is a miracle don't get me wrong but when you see three babies be born that are 16 weeks early you really learn what a miracle is. I watched me babies open their eyes for the first time and they were two weeks old. I watched my daughter fight for her life for over 24 hours and she was maybe 1 pound at the time. These kids have taught me so much and they have taught me not to take life for granted. You do not know what is in store for you and you do not know if tomorrow is a given. I have learned that. If I could of kept my babies in another ten weeks i would of stood on my head and not complained about it. I would change things that happened when I hit that big 24 week mark. i would of gotten out of that bed for another couple of weeks no matter how much physical therapy I would need to regain my strength. What really upsets me are these people that do not listen to their doctors. That think that they are better then everyone else. That nothing will happen to them. I do not wish anything on anyone but some people just do not get it. I tried for over three years to have a baby. I had to take meds to get pregnant. I lost my first pregnancy cause it was an ectopic pregnancy. I then got pregnant with the triplets then watched them fight for weeks to live and still lost one after 14 months. I would of rather had Hayden for the 14 months then not have him at all. Of course i would rather have him still be with us but, I can't change that. Some people just need to wake up and see that anything can happen to them just because you think your crap doesn't stink does not mean anything won't happen to you. And no amount of money is going to change that either. Here are a few pictures of Hayden how I miss him. He was my baby and always will be. I love you baby boy and we will be together again someday.